Let me start off by saying the schizophrenia and split-personalities are TWO DIFFERENT DISEASES. So no silly jokes about LOL U N UR OTHER FRIENDS or whatever after this. I'm tired of my dad not taking me seriously about my concerns by making those stupid jokes and I don't want it any longer.

Anyway. Schizophrenia is a disease that has been in my family, and seriously affected my grandmother. During the times she had it, she never received the proper amount of care, nor the right kind of care, and her family, including my mother, suffered a great deal.. Now, the gene seemed to skip my mother and her sisters, and their children, but, ah, it happened to me, I believe. I've had a lot of stressers to encourage something like this to happen; birth defects, a mother bringing her depression issues into my life and everything that she did always had some negative effect on me and my father (Freud was right, it's always the mother, and I'm being serious.) and a lot of bullshit that she put me through that really could have been avoided, especially considering the circumstances of how I grew up, how I was born, and yada yada, you'd think your mother would want to protect you from any more harm. NOPE.

But as I've been doing my research, the schizophrenia has cases where the person isolates themselves by unknowingly telling themselves negative thoughts, discouraging things, and the person begins to believe those things and not care. Poor self-image, they stop bathing, stop cleaning, pretty much stop giving a damn about themselves and live negatively. Also, auditory hallucinations play a big part, which, quite frankly I'm sick of, and hallucinations, delusions, illusions, mood swings, anxiety... The whole mixed bag of emotions into one. That's not the scary part.

If I am diagnosed with it, which I plan to go find out sometime this year, at least, if I'm diagnosed with schizophrenia (I'd be pissed if it were something else) I wouldn't medicate myself. In a way I find no problem with that, but in another, ...I'm kind of scared. The reason why I don't want to self-medicate is because whatever the hell is wrong with my brain is the reason and inspiration for all of my misconstrued, off the wall, out of the norm ideas and stories, the art form of my mind is caused by absolute insanity and the way I see the world because of it. Why would I change that? My happiness is my insanity, and yes that sounds crazy, but it's too beautiful for me to have stifled because of a society that feels if you are sick, you need medication to be "normal." Well fuck normal, society, you're the sick one. Another reason is that I'm completely and utterly against medication because of how it's affected me and my body. It's not safe, it's man made nonsense that while there are good side effects, there are also bad, and the bad tend to be worse than the good. I've been in and out of hospitals being pumped with toxins and poisons that have given me nightmares, paranoia, hallucinations, panics, and yes, memory loss for an entire week, I'm not going to willingly subject myself to that in my own home (unless I watch crazy movies LOL!) but seriously. The hospital has traumatized my gag reflex. I can't swallow pills, with all the practice I've had. I can't go to the dentist and get those little thingies they put in the sides of your cheeks to do the x-ray or whatever, I PUKE!

Ah.. so.. I intend to find out what is wrong one of these days and probably will see a therapist to deal with a lot of things I'm trying to erase, and maybe to cope with my lack of medicating if things get worse. I'm also planning on looking into rest homes for mental patients if I need one, I think I could benefit a week without distractions and stress, we all could. My house isn't cutting it these days.